I don't really want to come off as a food snob and it really has nothing to do with the amazing food explosion over taking salt lake, but I think there is something seriously going on with the Italian food restaurants. There is definitely a significant difference the further south you go. Maybe this is a blanketed statement but let me provide some insight.

If any of you have been downtown for a muffaletta or roasted pepper and feta panini then you obviously have been to Tony Caputo's. As you work your way south maybe you'd try the long standing predecessor, Granato's with basically the same menu since that is where Tony got his start. Wonderful sandwiches don't get me wrong, the soft ciabatta roll is to die for, but it's no Caputo's sandwich. Let us venture down a little more to Provo to this quaint little Italian ristorante, La Dolce Vita.

Setting the scene, we ventured down to Provo with our neighbors for a wonderful evening with the families. Feeling hungry what do ya do in this happy valley but frequent the only decent place in town, Los Hermanos. However, when the wait list is 45 minutes, clearly this is the place to be; but you have wee ones, so that is not an option. Clearly you walk around to the back and you find this charming old building which houses La Dolce Vita.

As you walk in you are greeted by the nicest little old Italian lady, "Come, Eat. The food is good here." Nice hand painted art decorates the walls and a tiny statue of David is in the corner that could have gone unnoticed if it weren't for the 4 year old pointing at it and saying, "Look daddy, PORNOGRAPHY!!" Chuckles around the table get you in that happy place as you peruse the modestly priced meals.

The table started off with a simple yet delicious pan toasted garlic bread and some black dip as we refer to the traditionally cliche balsamic vinegar and oil served with your bread. The meals started with a minestrone soup or a simple salad with a dressing of your choice. Duped by the bread we got about 2-3 bites into the salad when silence filled the dinner party. How could it be possible to screw up a salad? Is it even possible? I mean really, you just go in your back yard pull some weeds and throw in whatever vegetable scraps you have laying at the bottom of the crisper, Julianne them and douse on the salad dressing closest to the expiration date. Thankfully the portions were small and the damage went quick.

On to the entrees, long oval plates of disappointment are presented in a pool of canned tomato sauce, plain. Calzones, Italy's hot pocket, are served "Nepalese" style; which apparently means you just pour a can of tomato sauce over the whole thing and microwave. With every bite you could see the life being sucked out of everyone at the table. Even the kids meal was a disgrace, how bad is that cheese pizza when the child has to pull the cheese off and just eat the crust with sauce?

There is a new game I got to participate in tonight, kind of a twist on the Mexican dining game. Instead of a dine and dash because of Montezuma's revenge, this experience led me to a forbidden realm I despise; The bulimic diet. Leaving the restaurant I found myself with an oddity of being unable to keep my food down. We said our goodbyes and I couldn't get to the car before I found myself throwing up a bit in my mouth.

Fright set in as I pondered the 25 minute drive back home. The great trooper I am, I dug deep to my inner Danica Patrick and raced home safely. As I walked in the door I quickly whisked away to the restroom, strangely the first thing I ate was the first thing out as I violently expelled the Eco Li salad that was rotting my insides.

Over a decade has gone by since I have started reviewing my dining experiences and finally the Cowboy Grub will not stand alone. Out of principle I have been ethically unable to give an equaling rating, but congratulations La Dolce Vita, because of the inability to keep the dinner for at least 4 hours; you have honorably earned a perfect zero rating.

– Funky - 2016.02.19